“Is it time to go? Is it?!! Is it?!!”

My four year old’s face was so animated, I worried his head might pop off his skinny shoulders. The same question had been repeated every ten minutes for the past four hours. The preschool end of the year picnic was less than an hour away and the excitement level was on full tilt.

I, on the other hand, was willing the clock to slow down. At 4pm on a Sunday, the last place I wanted to be was in an overstuffed gym, filled with people.

I like people….from a distance. I enjoy them in the next room, or even better, quietly housed a few doors down. Part of the audience, when I speak, separated by a stage in between. I relish waving to them as their ship passes by my deserted island. But to join one hundred of them, with kids in tow, on my day of rest? Clearly Dante overlooked one of the circles of hell.

However, there was no way I was going to deny my children a romp in a bounce house and an abundance of processed treats, so I packed them in the van, and started the funeral procession. It was one car long, but I made sure to properly mourn the loss of my afternoon.

We entered the church. My son’s eyes bulged in excitement. He quivered in anticipation while waiting for the balloon man to make his sword. He vaulted with unabashed glee in the inflatable castle. And then, we arrived at the cotton candy machine.

One of my favorite phrases from scripture is to be filled with “unspeakable joy.” As a word lover, it’s such a poetic phrase. But really, what does it mean? I watched as the definition unfolded in front of me.

The sugar from the cotton candy hit my four year old’s blood stream and began to manifest through his entire body. He jumped up and down, so excited that no sound could escape his lips. His eyes were hazed with the fix from the corn syrup high. He threw his sticky arms around my legs and squeezed hard, as if he had to transfer a portion of that overflowing elation to someone else’s heart.

I looked around. A mass of people. A simple gym. And I saw, for a moment, the world through his eyes. The joy that dripped from every moment.

I want that. To live that.

The end of the year has us filled beyond capacity. There is a celebration for everything. Event after event, I sit, praying for the last concert note to play, so I can rush to the next item on the agenda.  Fearing, I will miss being there for my kids, but in the end, never fully being present.

I fail to tap into that unspeakable joy that exists in every second, or seize the opportunity to embrace these milestones that will never happen again.

My four year old released my legs and continued his euphoric dance while waiting to hit a golf ball into the hole. He lined up the putter and took a swing. The ball circled the rim and fell in. He leapt into the air, fist pumping hard, and screamed, “this is the best day ever!”

And he is right. Everyday is. And it’s time I start living that way.

“This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.”
Psalm 118:24

How are you managing the end of the year crush? Do you struggle to find the joy? To be fully present? I’d love to hear your thoughts below and please share with other mamas who are experiencing the same thing.  Hang in there! The finish line is in sight!